'Dem Dere Voodoo Punctures.

I got a puncture this morning. Whilst stationary. After riding home perfectly fine and delicately placing my bike on a sheet in the spare room (on the insistence of my darling girlfriend), I woke up, leapt on my bike, and the tyre was pancake. A great start to the day. There is little more deflating (I'm sorry!) to a cyclist than a flat.


Different people have different superstitions. Sailors don't whistle at sea, most people don't walk under ladders, and some doctors seem to believe in "Coffee Ju-Ju" (see Grey's Anatomy). Cyclists, being the strange breed that they are, seem to believe in "Puncture Voodoo". Now this doesn't mean coating your tyres in the blood of a black cat or any strange stuff like that. It's a far more obscure than that. 

Baron Samedi- Just got a puncture.

The odds of you getting a puncture are not down to how many pointy things there are on the ground, oh no. Essentially it is a combination of factors such as:


-Do you have a bike pump/spare inner tube? If yes, then you will certainly definitely not get a flat. Ever. These pieces of equipment are merely preventative talismans (or talismen?). In the three years I have owned a wee travel pump, I've never used it in anger (well, not the kind that involves inflating tyres)


-If you don't have the above items, how close is the nearest bike shop? Nobody ever gets a puncture outside a bike shop. Ever. It's like the emanate some kind of puncture preventing radiation. Punctures are most common when you are a good 50 miles clear of the nearest vendor of inner tubes. And you have to walk. With your bike. In cleated shoes.


-Is it raining? Of course the answer to this question if you live in Scotland is Yes. Yes it is. Right now. The odds of getting a puncture in inclement weather increase as the wind gets heavier, the hailstones get bigger and the bolts of lightning get closer. There really is nothing more fun than a repair on the side of the road in mud up to your knees in gale force winds with blue hands.


-Imagine posting a really good time, for once leading the field with the competition trailing behind you. Either that or breaking your own personal speed record, down on the drops, eyes flicking to the speedmeter. Guess what's next! Senor punctuado strikes again!


-It is also important to keep the same tyres forever. Some cyclists take great pleasure in going on about their "lucky tyres", which they've had on for 2 years/3 decades/forever and have never had any punctures. This then causes another cyclist to counter with an even more audacious boast. Moral of the story? Don't ever ask a cyclist something about their bike


BONUS FUN FLAT TIME!
If you're English, passing through any site of English defeat at the hands of the Scots will lead to an acute loss of tyre pressure. This has happened to me at both Bannockburn and Killiecrankie. It's the voodoo man....