'Dem Dere Voodoo Punctures.

I got a puncture this morning. Whilst stationary. After riding home perfectly fine and delicately placing my bike on a sheet in the spare room (on the insistence of my darling girlfriend), I woke up, leapt on my bike, and the tyre was pancake. A great start to the day. There is little more deflating (I'm sorry!) to a cyclist than a flat.


Different people have different superstitions. Sailors don't whistle at sea, most people don't walk under ladders, and some doctors seem to believe in "Coffee Ju-Ju" (see Grey's Anatomy). Cyclists, being the strange breed that they are, seem to believe in "Puncture Voodoo". Now this doesn't mean coating your tyres in the blood of a black cat or any strange stuff like that. It's a far more obscure than that. 

Baron Samedi- Just got a puncture.

The odds of you getting a puncture are not down to how many pointy things there are on the ground, oh no. Essentially it is a combination of factors such as:


-Do you have a bike pump/spare inner tube? If yes, then you will certainly definitely not get a flat. Ever. These pieces of equipment are merely preventative talismans (or talismen?). In the three years I have owned a wee travel pump, I've never used it in anger (well, not the kind that involves inflating tyres)


-If you don't have the above items, how close is the nearest bike shop? Nobody ever gets a puncture outside a bike shop. Ever. It's like the emanate some kind of puncture preventing radiation. Punctures are most common when you are a good 50 miles clear of the nearest vendor of inner tubes. And you have to walk. With your bike. In cleated shoes.


-Is it raining? Of course the answer to this question if you live in Scotland is Yes. Yes it is. Right now. The odds of getting a puncture in inclement weather increase as the wind gets heavier, the hailstones get bigger and the bolts of lightning get closer. There really is nothing more fun than a repair on the side of the road in mud up to your knees in gale force winds with blue hands.


-Imagine posting a really good time, for once leading the field with the competition trailing behind you. Either that or breaking your own personal speed record, down on the drops, eyes flicking to the speedmeter. Guess what's next! Senor punctuado strikes again!


-It is also important to keep the same tyres forever. Some cyclists take great pleasure in going on about their "lucky tyres", which they've had on for 2 years/3 decades/forever and have never had any punctures. This then causes another cyclist to counter with an even more audacious boast. Moral of the story? Don't ever ask a cyclist something about their bike


BONUS FUN FLAT TIME!
If you're English, passing through any site of English defeat at the hands of the Scots will lead to an acute loss of tyre pressure. This has happened to me at both Bannockburn and Killiecrankie. It's the voodoo man....

Cycling for the poor student

So yeah, I'm a student. And as such, I therefore never have any money. Ever. Student loan just about covers rent for a month and some cat food. So this doesn't leave much for cycling, which is traditionally a ridiculously expensive sport (£15,000 set of wheels anybody?)

They'd better be diamond studded.

But don't let this put you off! You can cycle on a budget. Mainly because you don't need all that fancy stuff! So here's my guide.


Professional cyclists use: Fancy-ass balanced sciency drink stuff.
For the poor cyclist: Sugar-free squash, add sugar and a pinch of salt and some crushed pro plus.


Professional cyclists use: Specifically balanced bars and gels
For the poor cyclist: Jelly! Beef jerky! Bananas!


Professional cyclists use: This season's highly specialized clothing that is tailored to fit.
For the poor cyclist: Sportswear from a charity shop, one of those black + white neck-scarfs that were trend a few years ago.


Professional cyclists use: A fully fledged team of spotters, mechanics and sports nutritionalists.
For the poor cyclist: The internet and library books.


Professional cyclists use: Precise GPS tracking.
For the poor cyclist: Runtracker.com lets you map what you rode for free. Couple that with a stopwatch of some variety and you're sorted. There's loads of other variations.


Professional cyclists use: Brand new carbon fibre bikes that you can lift with a finger.
For the poor cyclist: Last season's heavy-ass bike with parts that will fall off pretty sharpish.


Professional cyclists use: Specific pressure watchers, a set of brushes, degreasing fluid
For the poor cyclist: A bucket, fairy liquid and a dish brush.


Professional cyclists use: Indoor static trainers, complete with ridiculous things like sweat catching bike protectors. Seriously. 
For the poor cyclist: There's a road outside your house right? Go. Ride. Repeat.

The Beginning

Some of you folks will know me- my name is Ryan Fitch, I'm 21, a psychology student and I like to ride my bicycle (much like one Mr F. Mercury). Despite protests from my legs and long suffering bicycle, I've signed up to do a coast to coast bike ride in April. Coast to Coast- Dundee to Ardnamurchan point (somewhere so remote I had to google maps it). It's going to be 222 miles of hills, pain and sweat.

For the uninitated, I give you Scotland!

As much as I like to cycle, I've never done anything like this before- and I am s*** scared! So this blog is to be my diary of how I am getting on. Right now, my bike is a wreck, and so am I. By april 2nd, I hope to be lighter and stronger. Here's hoping!

But I am not doing this by myself, or for my own entertainment. The entire journey is to raise money for D.A.R.E, and there will be 15 of us! Not entirely sure what the acronym DARE stand for, but they're a group here at the University of Dundee who raise money to do all sorts of nice things like dig wells and build orphanages in various third world nations. And the best thing is that all the money that we raise will be going directly to the charities they support. The folk going out pay their own air fare and costs and stuff. So it's not a "Gap Yaaaaahhh" thing (see below video :-D). You can find the D.A.R.E Website here

So here I go. I'm never going to be Chris Hoy any time soon, but capable. That's the aim- capable.

Current Mileage (according to 2 week old bike computer)- 89 miles.

Average speed on home run: 13mph

Current running mileage: 1.82 miles on runkeeper.com (my username is ajohndoe.)

Current weight: Scales say [NO COACHLOADS]

Current mantra: “Pain is temporary... eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever.”

Things wrong with bike: Brakes don't work, wheels are not quite round, bar tape is coming off, rust everywhere.



Woo! Yeah! Ouch! Oooeerrr!